My Recent Thoughts
I spent 21 years being a boy, and am only very recently a man. Not only am I only recently a man, I also find myself somewhat suddenly a man. The transition to manhood has not been as gradual as is typical for most boys. I am not sure yet if my mind is moving through the emotional transition to manhood at the same pace as other boys’ minds do, and my thoughts about family, responsibility, romance, and the like are simply accelerated because of my age. In other words, I don’t know if my thoughts are outrunning my mind’s capacity to handle them.
This might seem quite confusing without some context. Allow me to direct you to this post for some background on my recent journey to manhood.
However, if you’re still with me, this post is an exploration of my present psyche as it pertains to my future family.
Where I Just Was
My bedroom is painted blue, with glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Star Trek action figures and starships adorn my dresser, desk, and bookshelves. Mulder’s “I Want To Believe” poster hangs on my wall next to a replica of the moon that lights up when you put batteries in it. I’ve had the same racecar writing pad on my desk since I was 10. Buzz Lightyear and Captain Picard have watched me type for over a decade. A spacewalking astronaut provides inspiration, hanging just above my monitor.
I spent most of my chidhood yearning for recognition of my boyhood. Yet I also spent that time being a boy. Usually, people who are “transgender” (more aptly named “intersex”) reverse those two sentences. For me, they are correctly ordered. *In spite* of my medical challenges, I spent *all* of my time being a boy. And *because* of those medical challenges, I remained a boy longer than most.
So the impact of my boyhood on my life, I think, might be greater than most. I retain a good portion of that boyhood, even while I’m still a man.
Where I’m Going
Some things will have to change as I get older. I can’t retain this boyhood room forever. I can paint every new room I enter in every new house I live in to model this ideal boyhood room, but only until I marry someone. Then this boyhood room will probably turn into a girl-i-fied (I’m sure that’s a word; look it up) “Master Bedroom” and all these boyhood toys will be relegated to my man cave–my study/den/room-without-female-decorations. And as the room becomes a secondary residence instead of a primary one, so will my boyhood. I can’t dwell here forever. Unlike Peter Pan, I must grow up.
While I certainly *want* to grow up, and have a wife and children, and get on with my adult life, the notion is somewhat worrisome to me, if not downright frightening. One doesn’t spend 21 years emotionally as a child and then just step right into adulthood. The Priesthood has helped tremendously, and has gotten me to the point where many times, I yearn for marriage and parenthood. I look forward to the day when I will hold my new baby in my arms, and will feel the same emotions of immense responsibility, pride, and joy that most new fathers feel. I already am planning my children’s schooling (DEFINITELY homeschooling!), imagining driving down the road with them in the back seat, and thinking about the enormous family tree that I am going to create by adopting a slew of children into our loving home.
As for a wife…I imagine the two of us as partners and best friends in everything. Facing life’s challenges together, being the strength and might, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, for our growing family. I imagine us as inseparable, joint forces against evil in the world. (Do we sound like superheros to you?) I imagine us lovingly educating our children on all things intellectual and spiritual. I imagine building a miniature kingdom, a safe haven from the world outside, where our children can explore and learn and grow.
I don’t know what she’ll look like. But I know I’ll be attracted to her, and that she’ll be attracted to me–all of me, as I am. I know we’ll disagree on some things, and we’ll complement each other in some things (like geometric angles, we may be opposites but together we will add up!). I know we’ll always be united on things that really matter.
I have to constantly remind myself that the Lord is making me into a man in His time. He will not force me into anything I am not ready for. And there is a woman out there being prepared to be my wife, as much as I am being prepared to be her husband. We will love each other for who we are, and though there may be challenges, and we will certainly each have sacrifices to make, as long as the Lord is in the center of our homes, He will care for us. And our union will be forever, so I hardly should be worried about when we will meet during these few years on Earth.
And I write these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.